In God She Trusts

So I Don’t Forget The Struggle…

Posted on: March 16, 2009

We’ve all heard it before… that the industry, Hollywood, LA–these places are crowded with people who compromise themselves and easily bend to morally destructing beliefs and obsessions (vanity, greed, lust) simply to obtain a higher rank in the “business” ladder and survive in this world. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying everyone in LA is this way. Not everyone in LA goes against every single good value they have just to get their career going. There are VERY MANY good people in LA. With it’s heavy focus on image and entertainment though, the LA/Hollywood culture is just very confusing and draining to me.

Hearing about this from others and knowing about it is very different from actually experiencing it for yourself. I guess the reason I’m writing this is cuz something slapped me in the face real hard just recently. I auditioned for an agency, thought I did pretty well at the audition, stayed for call-backs, felt confident, and waited for a reply. I went home that night thanking God for a good audition–thought He was cutting me some slack, cuz after the last three auditions I’d ever attended, I was rejected. That’s coo. It happens often. Anyway, they said it would take a week for them to get back to us. After a week, I didn’t receive a word… I figured.. Okay, I didn’t make it this time. I’ll try again later.

However… I was a little more heartbroken by it than I’d let myself admit. Not only was I feeling crappy about not receiving word from the agency, but other things weren’t going well either. I let things get to me one night, felt overwhelmed by how much life wasn’t going ‘my’ way, got sad, then I went to sleep. The next morning, I received an email from the agency. I thought it was a big coincidence that they were emailing me the day after I had just been thinking about them. I wondered if it was good news, or bad news, waited a little while, then decided to open the email with a little ounce of hope.

In the letter, the agency mentioned that I did a good job… that they liked the way I danced, and they thought I was a pretty girl. The only concern they had… was my weight. I apparently need to tone my body, and slim down… and hopefully, they see me in the future! Crap.. I would’ve felt better at the moment if I DIDN’T receive an email after all.. I would’ve felt better if i KNEW I didn’t perform well, but I did. I’ve never felt that type of disappointment before… not in myself, but with Hollywood. To celebrate my letter, I drove to my favorite All-U-Can-Eat Korean BBQ restaurant and had the best lunch ever!!!

So what happens now? People have asked, “Are you gonna give them what they want?” FYI, I’m naturally a thick girl, compared to normal Hollywood standards, for my height. I’m sorry but due to my genes, I naturally have thick thighs, broad shoulders, and a GREAT love for food. I’ve always been this way and I’m not ashamed of it.. I love my body the way it is, even if I’m not the most beautiful and tight-bodied girl in the world. The hard thing about living here is trying to figure out how to succeed in a culture like this when you can’t get jobs because people are forcing an image on you. That sucks. Despite how talented you might be, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got some extra curves in your body. Hmm.. that REALLY sucks.

Regardless, I won’t stop doing my thang the way I like to. Soul twin says, “Stay true to you,” and I will. “Your time will come.” I’ll just continue praying that the more and more I witness and live in this place and culture, the stronger I become to resist what I consider wrong and the more knowledgeable I become about the things I SHOULD value at all times.

And I wanted to write this.. so that in the future, when I DO get further along in my dance career, I can look back at this and remember my struggle to rise above superficiality and still succeed.

Thank you to all who’ve supported me so far. I have great friends =)

In God I Trust
<33 apes

3 Responses to "So I Don’t Forget The Struggle…"

Hi Apes!

I just wanted to say that you and your dancing has been an inspiration to me. And reading this has been an even greater inspiration. Keep doing what you do and keep doing you because we all love it!

– Karla

April you’re truly amazing. You and your dancing is definitely an inspiration to me. God has a better plan for you other than that dance agency and like you said, you can look back on this experience and see how far you’ve come :] P.S. there’s this really kick ass korean bbq down the street from hype haha all you can eat ! see you in class


Hey April!

I’m on the east coast and I just took a class with Joesar actually! I was waiting for the metro on the way home with my friend and we happened to talk about this issue and we both agreed that curves are SEXY…and feminine, unlike the typical Hollywood sticks. (There’s been research that shows that women with curves are perceived to be sexier 😉 And trust me, there are SO many more girls out that are like you and me— in perfect and HEALTHY shape who LOVE to eat and ENJOY food and life =) Plus, I think hip hop looks better danced in a healthy looking body 🙂 ps- I love ur entries and also when you thank God. Many people forget to do that I think nowadays and have lost trust in him. It’s refreshing. Keep up the good work! And thank you— you’ve impacted people everyday (like me) with your work. – TP

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PROVERBS 31:10-31

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